Tales of light and shadow

Today has been a strange day.

I awoke feeling kinda empty. I'd slept well (despite some weird dreams and triffids, fairies, tanks and spies) but was kinda at a loss. Not sure why but I often don't.

I went to work and things didn't improve much. My stress reducing hour offline has now been removed so I faced the full fury of calls right from the start and soon I was feeling flustered and stressed. I can pride myself on the fact that I didn't lose it completely but I know I wasn't at my best.

Then a text arrived out of the blue. It arrived as I started work but I didn't have a chance to sneak a peak until over an hour in as I took an unscheduled break to have a drink of water (yes I did put it down as a comfort break...). It was from a friend I've made fairly recently. I'd like to say that it brightened my day and things suddenly got better but I can't.

It raised a smile, I replied and it was quickly forgotten as I took a call the second I came out of UBK. I made the most of it, which wasn't much, and did what was required of me. But still the world ground me down.

At lunch I stopped to chat with the security guard and checked my texts. I had a reply and texts from other people. Then it started to dawn on me that I am not alone. Ok, ok, I KNOW I'm not alone, ever. But it's a hell of a lot of difference to feel it! Again the hevenes didn't open and let glorious sunshine in but it would be kinda weird if it did being that I don't sit by a windown anymore (waiiiil I miss my view!)

Anyways it got me thinking about life and where I fit into it. And the answer is I don't. It's where life fits into me that's the key. By this I mean it's what I make of life that matters. I have the parts that life throws at me and it's up to me what I make from it.

No that's not what happened, but the thought is kinda neat. Basically life is what you make it.

What happened was this. I lightened up. I recalled the conversation I had with Jaq this morning (a blurry one as I just didn't want to wake up). I recalled the texts I've recieved today and it lifted my mood. And at THAT moment life provided. I was taken off line and put onto the sort of work I'm good at. That I like doing, where my skills and attributes are put to use, where I feel I'm making a difference. And as I got stuck into this work I realised that what all those people were saying was right. I am kinda cool - ok they didn't say that but you get the point.


I just need to believe.

I don't need a purpose

I already have one



It's called life



It's up to me what to do with it

To make it meaningful or not
and I don't mean like world changing ways, but in ways that matter TO ME.

But what is it that matters to me? I know them really but just need to listen to myself.

Greywolf from A pagan Heart in Maine podcast is a wonderful man - you should listen to him. He has the habit of speaking what I'm thinking deep down. It's painful at times but never hurtful. I listened to his latest podcast today and it just topped things off.

I am important

To Me

To Others

But most of all to me because I don't realise that anywhere near often enough.

Phew this flow of conciseness writing is hard! I've lost the point of what I'm saying but that's ok. I wanted to blog (been wanting too for a while. At first because I felt I should but now because I WANT to) and now I've blogged.

I'll spell check but won't delete

Please feel free to ask for translations and what the heck I'actually going on about! But I may be as much in the dark as you are!