It is said that writing things down helps.
I've never decided if that is true but lets find out together.
I don't like myself
I would say hate but that would sound dramatic, even a tad melodramatic and I wouldn't want that as it may be seen as attention grabbing and that would never do. For 2 reasons ones - I don't feel concern is real if I have to ask/seek it out, it should be recognised as being required and given freely - I'm not worthy of of people's attention. And the self criticism comes it - I'm thinking that I sound pathetic and I should shape up and stop wallowing in self pity. Then I'm thinking that this is just another way of not liking myself. It's not an attempt as trying to lift myself out of my depression as it's said almost as a third person that isn't me. It's a commentary not a motivation affirmation.
Why do I think this about myself. Well I know what's triggered this one but I'll come back to that later. I think part of it is that I've done things I'm none too proud of. We all have and some are justifiable and some are not. I'm not talking murder or robbery or the like but things that go against my code of ethics (nebulous as they may be). I don't think it plays a big part but it's something that I don't feel good against.
Yeah I should give myself a break. I do have lots of great qualities or so people tell me, but I don't see them. I really don't. The only thing I see that is good is that I'm intelligent and to me that is a mixed blessing. I'll explain. It's great to be able to reason things out and understand concepts but it also means I can see things from several sides at the same time. For example someone snaps at me and says something harsh. Instead of being angry at them, I can come up with various reasons as to why they acted the way they did, including some that puts me at fault. This muddys the water so much I don't really know what is the truth and even if I can see if, it dilutes and reaction I have so that I don't really have a reaction at all.
If I was less intelligent I would get annoyed and that would be the end of it. But no. I analyse and reanalyse which puts doubt into my mind. I give them the benefit of the doubt and let them off rather than (maybe) rightly having a go back at them.
Tonight I am down and internalising as I have had the bubble burst over a new interest. I started to take dance lessons. Ok not from the start of the series of classes but it's still basics. It's tricky but a lot of and some nice people were v encouraging. 3 weeks in, I'm struggling, but I'm not the only one. But this week I hit criticisms from my dance partners (we swap them regularly in the class so everyone has a go - there's too few men). This hits me really hard and makes me want to stop going again. I know in my head that I'm just 3 weeks in (with no practice partner in between) and should expect to be any good but I feel stupid, clumsy and flustered. I feel that this is just another example of me being no good. That I'll quit another thing. Rather than spurring me on to defy that prediction, I just give into it like its an inescapable fate. I should brush the criticism off but I'm not and I don't know how. Sometimes I can and that makes the majority of the time more painful as I KNOW I can do it but don't know how. Tonight was particularly hard as I was on a high from having a positive attitude in what is normally a v depressing job. But then again the low depressions come from the highest falls...
I'm reluctant to seek medication. Most of what's on offer would take away my clarity of thought (yes the same brains that I find so troublesome at times) and the doctor seems to shy away from anything like that due to heart issues - they won't prescribe anything in case it interferes with heart stuff - but listen up guys the heart doc ain't going to given me anti-depressants! Plus I ain't on any meds....
I've considered counciling but the costs gets in the way. I could afford it just but not sure how long for. Plus I'm scared. I lock so much stuff away that I don't know what will happen if I start bringing it to the surface. All the counciling I've had has been short term which stopped just as I started to get somewhere, leaving me to pick up the pieces. Read - rebury it.
So has this helped? I dunno.
I dunno about anything any more. I feel so numb
Perhaps the morning will bring a brighter outlook. I doubt it but must try and be positive although I do wonder if I gave up struggling what would happen?
Episode 188 Interview with Awyn Dawn
1 year ago
My gods, I can't even tell you how much this post resonates with exactly how I've been struggling with depression lately! What a vile beast it can be, one that puts up an exhausting (and never ending) fight. I liken it to a leaky valve in my brain that slowly leaks ALL THE TIME but that I can sometimes control to just a wisp of poison, and other times it's as if a dam has given way completely.
ReplyDeleteSpiritscast (and Dark Side of Fey) has helped me enormously lately, given my brain something else to chew on besides itself. But I've found meditation to be a vicarious tool as sometimes my still moments lead me straight into that cave of utter darkness, and that's when it gets really hard to handle. Exercise is great, but yeah, when you leave feeling worse than before, that really sucks.
I had therapy years ago, and it helped me develop a lot of very useful tools, none of which include meds. I know it's expensive, but maybe you could check out some books on the matter? My therapist had me read one book in particular that helped me so much, and it helped me learn how to re-train my brain, to stop the train BEFORE it starts down the runaway track. I'm not sure if it will help you, but it's worth a try. It's called "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes. I know it may seem like it's targeted for a different set of symptoms like panic and anxiety problems (I was being treated for depression but also for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), but I found the techniques were really helpful for learning how to trigger a different feeling in my brain. It sort of helped slow it down so that I could learn how to deal with stuff better. It's no miracle cure, I can assure you, I still struggle. And I will ALWAYS struggle, but I am so much better for it. I'm sure there are other books out there, too. Maybe in reading some, using relaxation techniques like meditation (guided, perhaps, if you're like me and your head wants to jump off every cliff in sight if it's not kept in check) and then getting a few appointments when you feel ready to delve into the hardest stuff.
Anyway, I hope you are well and that the struggle is a little better today. Hang in there!
Blessings from Minneapolis :)
Rachel (wolfwings)
Thank you Rachel. Your comments touched me greatly.
ReplyDeleteIt is like a runaway train. All of a sudden the breaks are off and the train is running gathering it's own momentum and all you can do is just hang on for dear life! Other times you fight tooth a nail - sometimes you win, other times the train keeps going.
I like the sound of that book. I've been in some group therapy sessions that were Cognitive Behavioural Therapy based but it didn't really do that much for me. Perhaps it was the way the group was pitched as the others seemed to get a lot out of it, with some people being amazed at learning where certain thoughts and behaviours came from - the truth literally set them free. However I already had a pretty good idea of where things came from and why but needed help in break the thought patterns and transforming them into positive thoughts instead, but we rather glossed over that.
I'll do some research and see what's out there.
And Wolfwings - send me a link to your blog if you'd be so kind? Thanks