Hard pressed to find the lesson

which may be the reason why it keeps happening to me. Then again it could be that I've got a reoccurring condition.

What am I talking about?

Well my heart condition flared up again Sunday and carried over to Monday.

All very unpleasant and down right annoying but that's just the way it is. The doc says that it's nothing to worry about but it does impact on my life by both limiting me physically and psychologically - the latter probably ,ore than the former.

I try and take the modern pagan view point that I am going through this for a reason and I have come up with some possibilities:-

1) It's my body's way of telling me that my current job is REALLY stressing me out and I need to change it
2) That I am not taking good enough care of myself
3) That I need to slow down and focus on what's really important in life and make time for that and not flutter my time away on pointless pursuits.
4) That I need to address the deeply buried pain within me and start loving myself.
5) I need to learn patience and humility.
6) That I need to reach out and connect with people.


All have validity no.1 is very obvious as I feel demoralised and trapped in a job that I once loved before my role changed beyond all recognition. I should leave, I really should but I have a house and a mortgage and basically don't have the guts to make a leap of faith into the unknown. I block so much of my past that I tend to cling to things that remind of it, even if the memories are too painful to bear. And that is the heart of the issue (pun not intended I may add). It is the white elephant in my psyche. My past. It cages me yet I ignore it. Bad things happened, not as bad as some people, worse than others but that's not the point. It's my past it's my pain. I may beat myself up over that fact that other had it worse but damn it, it still hurts!

I need to accept it, make it part of me again. A shaman would say a part of my soul is missing and I need it back to make myself whole again. That's not quite right. It's not missing, it's locked up deep inside.

But it is not hopeless.

I know it is not.

I still feel

that means I still live and not just exist

I have existed, lived my life in a grey nothingness filled with small things, under an overcast sky, but that is not for me! I need, no I WILL face my inner self an embrace it, make myself whole.

It will be hard and I may never fully achieve it but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try! I am a perfectionist but I've learnt that perfection can not be achieved but it IS a valid goal. I just need to pause now and then and look back how far I've come, rather than despair at how far left I've got to go.

It's funny, I didn't mean to go into all this. I wanted to put my thoughts down about my health but I guess I needed to wander down this path. Perhaps this is my own personal Rome where all my roads lead to! lol

So there it is

I'd be interested in what people make of the lessons I should learn from this, feel free to suggest some more.


And Feithline, if you are reading this, I owe you a dollar. I didn't see the value of blogging but your 101 class insisted on it so here I am. Yes it is a good thing... There I've said it